Movie Review: The Wicker Man

The Wicker Man

I didn't have a lot to go on before deciding to see this movie. I'd seen no early reviews (it turns out that's because the studio declined to offer any advance showings, something that's typically not a very good sign), and I didn't know it was a remake of a 1973 movie of the same name (though that would have helped make my decision easier since the fans of that film are rabid). But I do like Nicolas Cage, and I did find the trailers intriguing. So on a weekend with no other major releases available to me, I figured I could do worse than to buy a ticket for The Wicker Man. Yes, I could have done worse. Probably. But not by much...

Edward Malus (Nicolas Cage) is a cop. During the course of a routine traffic stop, there's a terrible accident that injures him and leaves him helpless to rescue a mother and her daughter from a fiery death. Far worse than his physical injuries are the nightmares — occurring both when he's asleep and awake — involving the people he couldn't save. So when a letter arrives from a woman he loved years ago, he's all but helpless to refuse her plea for assistance in finding her missing daughter.

Malus travels to Summersisle, a small island off the coast of Washington state, where his former fiancée Willow (Kate Beahn) now lives. He has a difficult time getting to the secluded island, and once there, is viewed with a good deal of suspicion by the island's mostly female inhabitants. Willow, who is called Sister Willow by the other women, takes him aside and warns him that the others will lie to him. But she also emphasizes what she believes to be looming danger to her missing daughter Rowan (Erika-Shaye Gair).

Malus fuels his search for Rowan not only with his memories of his old relationship with Willow but with his anguish over his inability to save another little girl from her fate. He needs that commitment since he finds his efforts thwarted at virtually every turn by women who are hostile at best, and who look him in the eye and lie as a matter of course.

Sister Beech (Diane Delano) is the proprietor of the local rooming house who reluctantly offers him a place to stay and who remains thoroughly leery of the California cop. Sister Rose (Molly Parker) is a teacher who, though she tells Malus at least some of the truth, expends most of her energies teaching her charges lessons with which Malus thoroughly disagrees. Dr. Moss (Frances Conroy) seems willing to care for everyone — even Malus — but she also comes across as evasive, which causes Malus to become more determined than ever to get to the bottom of the mystery of the missing child.

Malus finally has the opportunity to meet the woman in charge of the isolated community. In a conversation with Sister Summersisle (Ellen Burstyn), Malus' internal alarm bells are ringing louder than ever. But he ignores his intuition in the hopes of saving Willow's daughter and thus redeeming himself in his own eyes if not those of anyone else. What Malus doesn't realize, of course, is that the dangers on Summersisle extend far beyond the life of one missing little girl...

Nicolas Cage is typically a capable actor, even when he's saddled with a less than optimal script. In the Case of The Wicker Man, background information has it that Cage was so affected when he viewed the original that he promoted the remake. Perhaps he thought better of it as filming commenced, though, because his performance here is all but phoned in. Every emotion is heightened to the point of melodrama in an episode of "bad acting theatre;" every facial expression is both stereotypical and exaggerated.

Frances Conroy is fine, and Molly Parker is just terrific. Supporting cast members Leelee Sobieski and Diane Delano are also all right (though Sobieski is miscast in a role that requires a far more delicately pretty woman than she is). Ellen Burstyn is thoroughly wasted in a part that sees her spew some of the most godawful lines ever penned in a movie with a budget, while Kate Beahn is just plain godawful (if there's somebody else out there who can speak more woodenly, or convey less emotion despite huge, doe-like eyes, I don't know who she might be).

The greatest insult to audiences (not to mention fans of the original movie), though, is a really bad screenplay. Director Neil LaBute penned the script, which is based on the original by the late Anthony Shaffer. While his direction is largely okay, and the cinematography spectacular, the script is rarely less than implausible, and it often crosses the line into the just plain ridiculous. Though the movie begins with some promise with the grave psychological impact of the accident the lead character witnesses, it quickly devolves into a series of utterly predictable and entirely unbelievable events.

The bottom line: Think about renting the original (again, I can't recommend it not having seen it, but a lot of people who have seen it do), and don't even think for a moment about seeing the 2006 remake. It's not worth even the price of a ticket let alone the time you'll never get back.

POLITICAL NOTES: One of the most ham-handed plot devices in The Wicker Man involves what is apparently an isolated community of witches (though the words "pagan" or "Wiccan" are never mentioned, there is a reference to Salem as well as to various medieval pagan ceremonies and celebrations that imply strongly that that's what they are). Every witch that I know — and I do know a few — would be appalled by vast majority of the actions depicted in The Wicker Man. Unfortunately, there are those devout fundamentalist Christians who would take every opportunity to condemn pagans as minions of Satan. Though they're wrong, films like The Wicker Man will give them the unneeded opportunity to gloat, "I told you so!"

FAMILY SUITABILITY: The Wicker Man is rated PG-13 for "disturbing images and violence, language, and thematic issues." In the case of portions of the story line, PG-13 may actually be a little weak though none of those thematic issues are visually depicted in an R-rated manner. If you've got kids who insist on seeing The Wicker Man because it's being billed as a horror film (the most horrific thing about it is the movie itself rather than the plot per se), I'd deny unqualified permission to kids of 14 or so and younger. As for the rest, well, the good news is that you can always tell them that you told them so after they've been as duly disappointed as I was by this dud.