Movie Review: The Pacifier

The Pacifier

A few years ago, I became aware of a former New York City bouncer going by the name of Vin Diesel when I saw a little science fiction adventure film entitled Pitch Black. I liked the movie quite a bit, and I loved the man who played the irredeemably bad Riddick. On the strength of that performance alone, I made a point of seeing xXx on opening weekend. I liked that movie so much that I bought it (and, as you know, I don't buy many movies). I think Vin Diesel is a terrific action star. He's not necessarily a terrific actor, but then you don't have to be to carry some really good action movies (look at Schwarzenegger in the Terminator series, for example, or Keanu Reeves in the Matrix films). But to carry a comedy, you have to have some comedic flair. And to be called a comedy, the script has to actually be funny. The Pacifier fails miserably on both counts.

Lt. Shane Wolfe (Vin Diesel) and his company of Navy SEALs are assigned to rescue an American scientist who is being held by foreign nationals who want to get their hands on a weapon invented by said scientist. When the scientist is killed, the race is on to recover the weapon he's hidden somewhere. The key to the project codenamed GHOST might be in a Swiss bank vault, or it could be hidden somewhere in the scientist's home. It's the latter possibility that puts the scientist's wife and children in danger, and which sees Wolfe assigned to protect the family. While US military officers take the scientist's widow, Julie Plummer (Faith Ford) to Switzerland to check out the bank vault, Wolfe searches the residence for GHOST or clues as to its whereabouts while working to juggle caretaking five rowdy kids.

The Plummer family has a Romanian nanny (Carol Kane) to ease some of the load, but the kids are more than a match for Helga and the domestically inexperienced Wolfe. A depressed teenage daughter, Zoe (Brittany Snow) and a rebellious teen son, Seth (Max Thieriot) cause problems both at home and at school. The young Lulu (Morgan York) tries Wolfe's patience to the breaking point with her incessant questions and hero worship. And a three year-old and an infant merely add to the chaos when Wolfe has to change diapers and track down wayward toddlers. Wolfe does find an ally in school principal Claire Fletcher (Lauren Graham), but even on school grounds he ends up with another problem to deal with, this one in the person of tough guy Vice Principal Murney (Brad Garrett). Of course, while all of these things are pressing on him, Wolfe must also protect everyone from the bad guys who are sure to show up.

The Pacifier is a Disney film which gives some insight from the beginning into the target market of the movie. The fact that it's aimed squarely at the younger set is an odd choice—at the least!—for Diesel, but at least it explains the prevalence of poop and fart jokes. It doesn't explain, however, how it is that so many (too many, in fact) opportunities for humor both slapstick and otherwise are missed. That's due both to a script that's just plain awful, and directing that lives down to the level of the script. It merely adds insult to already grievous injury when the movie includes some of the worst blue screen work I've ever seen.

Vin Diesel looks great, but doesn't come off well at all. He doesn't have any flair for comedy whatsoever, although in all fairness I don't doubt that his exaggerated mugging is in large part due to the terrible direction and sub-par editing of the film. Carol Kane is good, but you won't see her do anything you haven't seen her do a hundred times before (the poor woman has been typecast as the ditzy foreigner forever, I think). Lauren Graham seems almost embarrassed to be in the film, and I don't blame her. Faith Ford plays the perky gal she always plays and is thankfully in very few scenes. Meanwhile, Brad Garrett apparently threw himself wholeheartedly into making a complete ass out of himself. He, at least, is successful.

The one bright spot in the movie is the performance of Morgan York. She's not just cute, but funny; and she shows a decent presence onscreen. She likely has a future despite her appearance in this movie. The other actors may have done some damage to theirs simply by being in proximity to this mess.

POLITICAL NOTES: You'd think in a film with foreign nationals kidnapping American scientists; with well-funded bad guys attempting to steal secrets vital to national security; and with top-notch American military specialists getting into the mix; there'd be something political here. There's not. The only real politics I saw here was a politically correct assignment of villainy, and the very real danger that Switzerland will drop its neutrality to fight back against its bank authorities being depicted as such bumblers.

FAMILY SUITABILITY: The Pacifier is rated PG for "action violence, language, [and] rude humor." Everything that I saw was so over-the-top that I can't imagine anyone older than, say, six would actually buy into it. Certainly, the average six year-old would find the film a lot more amusing than I did purely from the standpoint of the aforementioned poop and fart humor. I found little to like about The Pacifier (although there's a scene between Morgan York and Vin Diesel having to do with his muscular physique that actually did make me laugh), but I have to confess I'm not entirely sure about the reception the movie will get from the kids it's apparently meant to entertain. On the one hand, the large number of children in the audience during the showing I saw were quiet and thus attentive. On the other hand, they were just plain quiet. You know your own kids, so this one's your call. But for everyone else, I can't recommend The Pacifier on any level at all.