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What They Thought January 1, 2006

Alan Caruba
R.A. Hawkins
Jonathan David Morris
Rep. Ron Paul
Nancy Salvato

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Alan Caruba
Global Predictions for 2006

Everyone thinks they can predict the future. No one really can except in the most general way, but that will not deter me from making mine!

History and some knowledge of the world give us a cloudy glimpse of the future. Here are some predictions with which to conjure.

Both Israel and the United States will be compelled to launch a preemptive strike against the network of Iranian nuclear weapons and missile manufacturing facilities either in 2006 or 2007 at the latest.

The Palestinians will fail to elect any kind of widely accepted new government and civil war will break out among Hamas, El Fatah, and whatever other terrorist gang has weapons. That’s assuming, of course, they even manage to hold elections.

Lebanon will continue its struggle to break free of Syria’s grip and will be aided in this effort by the U.N., the U.S. and the European Union. This may lead to the destabilization of the Assad regime.

Turkey will transition from the only successful secular state in the Middle East to one in the control of Islamic fundamentalists. Where previously, its military corps insured against this occurring, it may have too many Islamists in its ranks to prevent it. Admission to the EU will be put on permanent hold and Turkey’s economy will plummet. Foreign investment will disappear.

Despite naysayers, Iraq will continue to make progress toward establishing a functioning government and making adjustments to its constitution to avoid splitting apart.

Depending on the level of dissatisfaction among Venezuelans, the assassination or overthrow of President Hugo Chavez may occur. South American nations will continue to elect socialists, i.e., communists, to rule. Expect widespread social discord and unrest. The only winners will be the drug cartels.

The Bush administration will engineer some sort of “guest worker” program that will enable Mexicans to enter the United States legally and push it through Congress. The alternative would be the potential economic collapse of Mexico.

China, while bellicose and building its military, will continue to seek accommodation with the U.S. and world trade partners. Internal problems with growing peasant and worker rebellions will continue to occupy the attention of its political cadres. Japan will begin to rearm in a big way.

Saddam Hussein will be found guilty of crimes against his nation and executed.

Worldwide, al Qaeda will continue to be steadily degraded in its ability to launch major terrorist attacks. Some kind of catastrophic attack, however, should be anticipated against the U.S.

The Republican Party will retain control of Congress, but just barely.

2006 will see another, totally predictable succession of powerful hurricanes. There is no connection between the number or intensity of hurricanes and the so-called “global warming” theory.

A major earthquake causing extensive damage and loss of life is overdue in California.

R.A. Hawkins
A Modest Proposal
(How To Plug the National Security Leak)

It has become obvious to me that The New York Times will do anything it can to be in the limelight. They have written many articles which are counter to the interests of Americans who know spit about National Security. They have repeatedly undermined our intelligence gathering abilities as they insult them. They have undermined the war effort and made a point of not publishing anything regarding accomplishments. Since they like to be in the news so much, even if it’s for reporting things that didn’t happen and never will, and they have shown an apparent interest in how they will be remembered historically, I have a suggestion.

All we have to do to plug the National Security drain is to float a rumor. The rumor would have to go something like this:

"Many have been wondering globally why it is that the tyrannical Bush administration has allowed The New York Times to continuously undermine the national security of the United States. That is until we became aware of a few recent seemingly unrelated incidents. Their lies and misdirection are nothing more than a cover for a very dark secret. We are not at liberty to reveal our sources either, so don’t ask. Just send one of our reporters to jail again.

At the base of the base of the NYT building there is a top-secret counter terrorism unit tasked with the responsibility of garnering information from captured terrorists. Also in that location is the Defense Department unit responsible for planning the attacks on Iran. These two groups are working closely with another group that is trying to find a way to force the spotted owl to move to a different location. It seems the first two groups need that area of forest for a training ground because it resembles the desert surrounding Tehran, Iran and Guantanamo, Cuba. They have been using chickens and fish to determine the reactions biologically to loud music such as Eminem and that girl singer.

These three units are also working with an SUV manufacturer so they can increase the amount of gas consumed per mile. And the most frightening part is that there are Jewish people there."

I didn’t say it had to make any sense. As a matter of fact the more asinine it is, the more active the enemy becomes. The best part about this plan is that it will put all of our enemies to work for us instead of against us. It seems that even slow minds need to be kept busy so let’s help them out. This proposal should be useful for getting PETA involved because of the cruelty to fish and chickens issue. Green Peace and the ACLU will get involved because they just can’t help themselves. The Peace activists will get involved because the "W" specter will have been invoked twice (war and Bush).

An interesting side note here: Did you know that they are often referred to as piss activists south of the border? They, like the ACLU, will not be able to stay out of it because there might be intelligence gathering and that must be stopped. The only reason I added the Jewish people at the end was that the terrorists will need that to really get them moving. It will also cause the DNC to become involved.

My hope is that this suggestion will be put to good use. With a little luck, all of these tin foil beanie-wearing freaks will gather to protest at the NYT building just as one of the terrorist organizations turns the area into a glowing mushroom cloud with a really huge crater at its base. It will be the first time ever that any of these people will have actually contributed anything useful to our nation. All of these people have one thing in common. They have lectured us on how the current administration has been doing all of the right things but for the wrong reasons. This will be an excellent opportunity to show them exactly what that really means.

If this suggestion is taken and put to good use I would be willing to write a few glowing commentaries directed at their memory. In the interest of making it an honest column I’ll of course be referring to the guy that brought them their lunches and pizza or cleaned the floors at the NYT. I will not be referring to anyone on the staff or any of their writers. But I will write something positive about people who actually worked in that building. Maybe after this has been accomplished the rest of America can quit hating New York for real. I want any normal people living in New York to understand I’m not directing any hostility at them. I sincerely mean that to all three of you.

R.A. Hawkins       Web Site       Contact       Back to Top

Jonathan David Morris
2005: The Year In Headlines

Most journalists like ending the year on a down note with “factual” retrospectives. As far as I’m concerned, those journalists are whores. I’m the only one with the guts to compile the year’s best stories with a reckless disregard for accuracy.

Just keep reading. You can thank me later.

10. The Asian tsunami steals Christmas.

In January, the Asian tsunami of December ‘04 files a grievance with weekly columnist Jonathan David Morris for not being included on his list of 2004’s top stories. JDM explains that the tsunami happened so late in the year that his year-in-review column had already been written and turned in. “I swallowed whole islands and killed hundreds of thousands of people… on Christmas!” complains the tsunami. “Ask anyone. I was the No. 1 story of 2004.” To compromise, JDM agrees to include the tsunami as one of 2005’s top stories. However, it now has to settle for being No. 10.

9. The Supreme Court says nope to dope.

Realizing their original plan of going door-to-door to say “Up yours” to every American would be too time-consuming, the Supreme Court decides to bolster eminent domain and stop cancer patients from smoking pot instead. Shortly after writing the 6-3 opinion, Justice John Paul Stevens wakes up and realizes what happened. “Wait a second,” he says, looking groggily at his notes. “We banned medicinal pot? It says here ‘medicinal poop.’ Who wrote ‘poop’ in my notebook? This isn’t very mature.” The Supreme Court then agrees, 9-0, to ban the nickname SCOTUS. From now on, they will be known as C-Shizzle.

8. Americans continue not to care about Plamegate.

In one of the biggest stories of the year, Americans fail to care about one of the biggest stories of the year: the so-called Plamegate scandal. Supposedly, this story has something to do with some Washington hack telling some nitwit reporter about some other hack’s wife’s secret identity. No one’s really sure, though, because no one’s paying attention. In other news, Terrell Owens gets cut by the Eagles after not getting tired in the Super Bowl.

7. Washington solves baseball’s steroid problem.

In March, Congress asks Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Curt Schilling, and Rafael Palmeiro to testify about the use of steroids in Major League Baseball. In a surprising turn of events, the players tear off their faces to reveal they are congressmen, and the congressmen tear off their faces to reveal they are players. Mark McGwire, who is now Rep. Henry Waxman (D-Ca.), points to Rep. Henry Waxman (D-Ca.), who is now Mark McGwire, and says: “Guards! After them!” Jose Canseco rips off his face to reveal he is still Jose Canseco. Then he pees in a corner and kisses his bicep. The White Sox go on to win the World Series.

6. Anakin Skywalker is badly disfigured in a river of lava, and the transformation to Darth Vader is complete.

In May, the third and final Star Wars prequel hits theaters, wows fans, and answers unanswered questions. When the credits roll, however, thousands of people suddenly realize they’re homeless—the result of having lived on the sidewalk outside a theater since before the first prequel back in 1999. Unsure what to do, they go to the diner for gravy fries.

5. Something bad apparently happens in London.

Panic tears through the heart of England on July 7 when bombs go off on three London subways and a bus. Americans vow to stand with the British in the face of undue terror, pledging they’ll “never forget the events of 7/7.” Confusion quickly sets in, however, when Americans realize July 7 is called 7 July on the other side of the pond. Refusing to call 7/7 by its politically correct name, 7/7, Americans rescind their pledge to never forget it. When asked a month later, ‘80s icon Steve Guttenberg admits, “I don’t remember Police Academy 7. Was I in that one?”

4. Terri Schiavo rests in peace.

After months of heated exchanges around the country and right outside her Florida hospice, brain-damaged 41-year-old Terri Schiavo passes away in late March, two weeks after her husband removes her feeding tube. The case stirs intense debate over the right-to-live and/or die amongst thousands of people who’ve never actually met her. Later that weekend, a great man, Pope John Paul II, passes away as well. His death ends the Terri Schiavo news cycle and spares America much agony. It’s widely agreed that this is the one miracle he needs to qualify for sainthood.

3. Live 8 gives AIDS to Africans. Oops, I’m sorry. Gives aid to Africans. Aid. Not AIDS.

In an unprecedented effort to wipe the scourge of AIDS off the continent of Africa, famous recording artists perform free concerts around the world in July. The event is dubbed Live 8, and its goal is to “raise awareness” of the African AIDS situation. Later that evening, Coldplay’s Chris Martin sets off a fire alarm by rubbing his temples and concentrating.

2. Cindy Sheehan holds an anti-war séance to contact dead soldiers outside the president’s ranch.

In June, Vice President Dick Cheney proudly informs us that the Iraqi insurgency is in its “last throes.” This comes as news to Iraqi insurgents, but they’re happy to hear it, because they’re as tired of fighting as we are. To celebrate, they go on conducting attacks and suicide bombings. Vice President Cheney later remarks: “To be honest, I’m not even sure what ‘last throes’ means. I use a lot of words I don’t understand. Like ‘understand,’ for example. What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

1. George Bush unleashes the forces of nature on New Orleans.

With the government having failed in its previous efforts to wipe out black communities with AIDS, crack, and MC Hammer, President Bush finally takes matters into his own hands in August when he puts on his cowboy hat and hops on a cloud named Katrina to ride to New Orleans and dump buckets of water. “Everyone knows brown people can’t swim,” Bush later says at a press conference. When told that African-Americans are usually called “black,” the president responds: “That doesn’t make sense. Most of the ones I’ve seen have been brown.” After thinking it over for a couple of days, blacks decide not to get angry about his statements, because, honestly, they never liked the guy anyway. A few months later, with the NSA watching, George Bush strangles the Constitution with his own bare hands.

Jonathan David Morris      Web Site      Contact     Back to Top    

Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX)
Peace and Prosperity in 2006?
January 2, 2006

The ongoing war in Iraq, hurricanes Katrina and Rita, and congressional scandals all served to make 2005 a tough year for America. We can hope and pray that 2006 is a happier and more peaceful year for our nation.

All Americans, regardless of their views on the Iraq war, can share the hope that the killing in that country will end in 2006 — and that our troops can begin to come home.

Our goal in Iraq at this point must be self-determination for the Iraqi people, nothing more and nothing less. Nation building doesn't work and we can't afford it. We should seek to get our troops out of the country as soon as possible and remain neutral toward the various factions still vying for power. The ultimate solution may be for Iraq to break up into several countries based on ethnic and religious differences.

Regardless of the outcome, we must have the courage and integrity to admit that our founders' wise counsel against foreign entanglements was correct. Once the rationale for the war shifted from weapons of mass destruction to installing democracy, our credibility became dependent on true Iraqi sovereignty — even if the government that emerges is not to our liking. True sovereignty for Iraq cannot be realized unless and until we end our occupation and stop trying to engineer political outcomes.

Meanwhile, prosperity at home cannot be achieved if we allow government to engage in the kind of runaway spending that marked the final months of 2005. The fiscal year 2006 budget, already bloated with billions of dollars in unnecessary and counterproductive spending, became an 11th hour Christmas grab bag for every group or industry seeking a handout. Several federal agencies and bureaucracies needlessly received even more funding than originally requested by the administration.

Dangerous foreign aid spending also grows next year, sending more of your tax dollars overseas to fund dubious regimes that often later become our enemies- as we've seen in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Congress cannot continue to increase spending each year and expect tax revenues to keep pace. No reasonable person can argue that a $2.4 trillion budget does not contain huge amounts of special interest spending that can and should be cut by Congress, especially when we are waging an off-budget war in Iraq that costs more than $1 billion every week.

It is easy for us to lose sight of the primary responsibility of our government during troubled times, and many Americans are anxious to have the administration spend any amount and ignore the Constitution to achieve some mythical standard of security. Yet we should not forget that peace and prosperity are best secured by a government that secures liberty for its citizens. The best formula for securing liberty is limited government at home and a noninterventionist foreign policy abroad. Americans deserve better from their government in 2006 than huge deficits, scandals, domestic spying, and mindless partisanship.

Rep. Ron Paul      Web Site      Back to Top

Nancy Salvato

No column this week.

Nancy Salvato       Web Site      Contact    Back to Top